i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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