I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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