I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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