no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
