Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I deserve this hangover.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
