Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
