I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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