I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
This toilet bowl is my home.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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