he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
