I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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