i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
