It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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