she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
