I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
