I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
