Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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