The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I am midnight drunk by noon
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
