My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
