we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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