You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
