i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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