I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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