Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
