I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
