just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
