so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
