Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
