Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
