Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
