Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
