How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
