how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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