The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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