We're facebook friends in real life
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
