so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
