I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
