I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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