when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
