3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
