dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
