She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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