These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
