If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
