Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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