Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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