Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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