My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
My penis needs a shock collar
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize