1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
