You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
there was a trapeze. enough said
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
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