I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize