Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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