Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
