I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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