I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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