i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
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