You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
