how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize