Jerry, you need to find god
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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