Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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