2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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