you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
