What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
