I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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