in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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