I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
