He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize