Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
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