So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
