Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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