be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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