1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
